..on second thought...

i have had lonliness on my mind alot. i am a leo. i can't really help it. i require a lot of attention, a lot of love and connection to feel whole. but you know what? for alllll the complaining i do about feeling alone, and feeling lacking, it is a *hell* of a lot better than some of the pressures i used to dread. i had an exchange occur yesterday that reminded me of my freedom and made me hold that freedom dear: i had made tentative plans to hang out with a person i hadn't seen in a while who i used to date. i have a bit of a record for not showing up and bailing on plans.. it's a flaw, but it's a flaw i am comfortable with and rarely apologize for. the people who end up sticking around in my life are people who choose to overlook it and love me anyway. i <3 those people and i overlook their flaws in return.



now, the truth is, it hadn't occured to me to not show up for this planned hangout with the friend. i was gonna do it, and that was that. then, she and i were talking and she asked me 'are you gonna not show up?' i cracked a joke about how i know i am bad like that and chuckled..but then she went on to threaten me that she would be super angry with me if i didn't hang out and how she'd canceled other plans to see me, etc. *this* is the kind of pressure i am talking about. i instantly felt a pain in my stomach that truthfully, i hadn't felt in months, and i realized that since i did the single thing, that pressure-related pain had been absent. i can go where i want, do what i want, without a girl sitting somewhere disappointed in me for one reason or another. i immediately embraced the freedom i now have and was completely reminded of why i am single right now. although it took an uncomfortable moment to remind me, i am glad it happened. i needed to be reminded.