...when was wednesday?...

my mind is playing specific thoughts on repeat.
i can't concentrate.
eyes. lips. voice.
eyes. lips. voice.

...summertime...

out comes the harley davidson t-shirt. out into the sun. obtain color ingredients from sun, apply to skin liberally. down to a deck. coffee with friends. i want nothing. just to live and breath and have beautiful things around me. it's easy and warm. weeping tile is doing it perfectly for me this morning. "don't wake me up!/ i was having a dream!/ i was runnin' from the cops/ getting away clean/ it was a little excitement/ i needed a dose/ i think i came close..i came close..." good, early 90's music awesomeness.

......morning. happy....

last night was really fun. watched a hilarious stoner movie after work. then ate some delicious blue menu pizza. jenn showed up and we had an electric lemonade. went to R4$ and it ended up being REALLY FUN. a/v played, which means i've seen him play twice in the last 4 days. the only bad thing about seeing him at R4$ is that the set is so short and it gets you fired up then it's over.
walking back to my place from the bar was perfect. there was warm summer rain and everyone was laughing. we listened to music and had a drink. laughed some more than everyone left. jenn crashed on my couch, which she says she sleeps well on though i have no idea how. i went to sleep at 4 and then sat up wide awake at 8-ish. i have been awake since...buzzing around my apartment, cleaning and thinking... i don't know where the energy is coming from.....i am in a fantastic mood. :)

Type-Write

...Sunday evening: Processing time....

1) ...ouch. that stings. i don't understand what this is. it's like eternal gray. zero clarity.

2) last night was pretty fun. a house party, then a dance party. a/v never lets me down.

3) tomorrow is work. 9-7:30. bed early tonight. the final phase of party-repair.

4) i am foolish in so many ways. my decision making skills are questionable at best. i dislike my father. i dislike every trait he passed to me. my mother, the one who was ill on paper, gave me my only positive qualities. even her illness is nore truthful than anything my father ever offered.

5) don't ever get the appetizers at darrells. only get the entrees. wow. sick.

6) it's just like this series of exchanges, of blows, with no appreciative outcome. no change. no growth. stale-mate. people's hearts and minds run at different speeds. you can not jump start a person. they will get there in their own due time. the question is, will your speedy little heart still be treading? or have crossed the channel long ago?

...one time, i was small...

it's late. jenn just left. i think i am -almost- over my stint with fawlty towers. i have watched the 'germans' episode like 30 times in the last week...

and unrelated thought:
i have something i'd like to tell you
there is something i'd like to do

..In the meantime..

kim and i played music yesterday. we discussed it and we have enough material to finish 3 songs and play R4$. it would be me on bass, kim on guitar and mitch on drums. i am excited about the idea. mainly because it has the potential to actually happen. we laughed as we traded instruments and played, we laughed because we are both talented and there is no excuse for why we don't play live. :S ...more updates to come...

aside from that bleep of interest on my radar i have been fluctuating between gray and calm. yesterday i went to the dr. she said that she missed me but that she understood my not coming to see her is a good sign. i told her i was getting by and seemed to be okay. she started me into the process of the main reason i went to see her as well. ball is rolling.

emotionally i am just so fucking touchy. it's as irritating to me as it is to the people i love in my life who have to deal with it. an example.. i'll have a disagreement with one of my best friends over something silly that means nothing, and my mind immediately comes to 2 solutions. 1 is to move back to saint john, fuck all this, at least it's familiar and safe. 2 is that this little argument is just one of a million and i am exhausted and sick of it and if this is going to continue why not just off myself now and that'll be the end of the irritation. i have to follow this expression immediately by saying i will not do either of those things, i am ok. but my mind goes there so quick sometimes..it's foolish. but another example is that yesterday i went to the dr, then to the grocery store, then waited for the bus to come home, and the whole time had this serene, euphoric feeling that everything was going to be ok, and that i am in this city and i am staying here and even the flaws in my situation are beautiful in a way... i'll have departures into each of these moods several times a day. i am not sure what that means or if it means anything.

ending though: the bassline for the 90's Spacehog song 'In the meantime' is a pleasing one.

....Fierce...Flawless....

so it's monday. evening. i was stoned and laughing. i watch fawlty towers episodes over and over... i have a dr's appt tomorrow morning. i am not going to mention mental health, i am going to ask about a breast reduction. ..... *awkward silence* ..... so tomorrow is tuesday. i think a repeat of last tuesdays dance party is in order. probably bike over to the blue moon....
i had a brief moment where i thought about moving back to saint john. i think it has passed? maybe? hm. ... my mind is a little loose. i destroyed jenns movie quiz. ... i really don't have anything of substance to say right now. i had all kinds of feelings the last couple of days.. but today i became calm for some reason. even when i got off work after 10 hrs i was in no rush to leave. i just felt well. ?? i did this little painting called 'a previous commitment'. i took a bad cellphone photo of it. my life is kind of a bad cellphone photo.
a dog i knew was put down. it made me sad.

...poloroid...

us on the floor at matts.

i am in a weird mood right now. i would say i am in a weird mood 'today' but it's been more persistent than that....

the good 'single feeling' triumph i reported a few days ago has passed.
i'm going to go pour a cup of coffee...

...the drunks shouting below my window...

it's saturday night (sunday morning). i don't have much to say. today i slept a lot. i am not sad at all.. but physically very tired. this week was hard at work and full of late nights awake. i was able to get some supplies and tomorrow i will paint. i am also getting started on pauls cassette curtain for his office. i looked upon the towel in his window today and felt a sense of urgency to help a brother out. :) my friend just got back from NY. she was going to go see the chelsea, but then didn't because she didn't want to see it without me there. i appreciate the gesture. <3



this picture was taken from a TV screen. it's tori amos playing two instruments at once. when she does this she arches her back, closes her eyes and faces upwards. during the song 'concertina' this visual breaks my heart a little. i watch it over and over sometimes...

..on second thought...

i have had lonliness on my mind alot. i am a leo. i can't really help it. i require a lot of attention, a lot of love and connection to feel whole. but you know what? for alllll the complaining i do about feeling alone, and feeling lacking, it is a *hell* of a lot better than some of the pressures i used to dread. i had an exchange occur yesterday that reminded me of my freedom and made me hold that freedom dear: i had made tentative plans to hang out with a person i hadn't seen in a while who i used to date. i have a bit of a record for not showing up and bailing on plans.. it's a flaw, but it's a flaw i am comfortable with and rarely apologize for. the people who end up sticking around in my life are people who choose to overlook it and love me anyway. i <3 those people and i overlook their flaws in return.



now, the truth is, it hadn't occured to me to not show up for this planned hangout with the friend. i was gonna do it, and that was that. then, she and i were talking and she asked me 'are you gonna not show up?' i cracked a joke about how i know i am bad like that and chuckled..but then she went on to threaten me that she would be super angry with me if i didn't hang out and how she'd canceled other plans to see me, etc. *this* is the kind of pressure i am talking about. i instantly felt a pain in my stomach that truthfully, i hadn't felt in months, and i realized that since i did the single thing, that pressure-related pain had been absent. i can go where i want, do what i want, without a girl sitting somewhere disappointed in me for one reason or another. i immediately embraced the freedom i now have and was completely reminded of why i am single right now. although it took an uncomfortable moment to remind me, i am glad it happened. i needed to be reminded.

...Night Table...

1:13am.

...the week that never ends..

i feel kind of like a bag of shit. it's 7:41pm. stuck at work until 11pm. very tired. not rested. sugar-free redbull. my work chair gives me the worst back and neck pain. it makes me feel old. a handful of unpleasant, pessimistic thoughts. it's thursday. now it's 7:47pm. .....fuck. *sigh* sink into chair.

i made an appointment with my doctor for next week. tuesday at 10am. i bailed on this process a few months ago because i felt that the system either wasn't working or was just not open enough to accomodate my needs, i don't know. i feel like my doctors original assertions were correct, and i want to ask her to continue with her orignal idea's for helping me. i trust her opinion over a clinician reading off a standardized questionaire.

...Third. Track 11....

the song 'threads' on the new portishead cd is ripping me apart. the last song to make me feel this way was 'you're all i need' from radioheads 'in rainbows'. the chorus part where the lyric loops into itself.. "i'm always so unsurealways so unsure"... it makes my heart twist in my chest. there is this ominous sound effect at the end that is great too. it goes on for a few seconds, and i hate when it stops.

i feel like talking about art... i am going to pick up working on the zine-ish idea i had begun, i think. i need to stock up on paint, but there is a lot of pre-work that i can do without that. the idea is to produce the zine without using any copiers or anything. i am designing a stencil for each page, and will use spraypaint to print. to begin i only plan to make a dozen or so copies..show it to some people and see what the response is. in the internet age, physical zines are fewer and further between. but they are refreshing because they are tangible. you can touch them. people work with computers for their jobs. use them to plan life. do banking. etc. i think looking at art through the same screen/box you spend so much time with may be a little inherently sad... i don't like that last sentence, it's hard to say what i mean. -anyway- the thought i have is that to produce a zine, something in physical print, takes you back to something tangible. you hold it in your hand. texture. i want to take it one step further. by printing and painting by hand it's like every page is a painting, done by the artist. you can't get much more tangible than that. tentatively titled 'to my dreams and my ugly parts, warm regards'.

...the mood is unclear...

i am not 100% sure how i made it through my shift yesterday. i have been at that job for 14 months now. when i was 18-19 yrs old i would quit a callcenter at the drop of a hat, or just because it was sunny outside. now i am almost 25, i have either mellowed or become more docile about the callcenter environment. there is still a constant undercurrent of awareness of the lights, the phones, the screens, that i know is bad for me. .. but i am able to weather it better. although yesterday, yesterday was bad...

i have been playing my keyboard a lot. learning 'portishead' and 'the organ' songs. i like the instrument. i'll never be as comfortable with it as i am with bass but it's growing on me. i've also been biking as much as possible. i discovered that the bike ride over to jenns place on almon is my favorite. it's *just* enough of an incline the whole way there, then i fly back. very satisfying.

i had a productive morning of dishes and laundry. watched 'hackers' and ate a veggie burger. now off to work... today is china's birthday.

...a Tuesday...

i can feel the descent. my feelings are changing. i was trying to describe it to my friend matt today at work. the struggle. the grind. a lack of intimacy in addition to an emptiness that burns. i had been feeling pretty healthy and comfortable from about february until now... i'd like to blame it on something abstract like 'the city' or 'the people'... but the the truth is more inward. my confidence deserts me and i'm not sure why. it comes and goes at random. i am feeling shakey now. i have been painting, which is good, but it only expels so much.

right now i am frustrated. i go out with friends where i sit, and even in a room full of people i feel alone. i go home after work, i am awake, and i feel stuck. it's funny though, because i meet new people on a regular basis....but.. i don't know.. it's a very specific type of connection that is lacking. i don't have any room for more acquaintances. what i do have is a large gaping hole that needs to be filled with something real.. something consistent. i don't want to say that it has to be love or sex... i mean, maybe thats all it is, but when i state it that way it feels like i'm oversimplifying it.

when i meet these new people, these faces at parties and bars, i'm hoping each time that they might turn out to be real people. people who care, or call, or eat breakfast with you, or talk about art and life and families and music. but mostly the faces just keep on being faces. they smile and say 'hi', it's nice and friendly, but it's nothing.

..i should add a disclaimer; i am not oblivious and i have to take responsibility for my own pickiness. not everyone who reaches out to me for a connection feels right, and i do shut people out. this is why i can't let out a cry that the world is unfair. i have opportunities that i let pass me by.

my train of thought is loosening now. the point might be foggy. i'll end with something positive:

i love Cher in 'Mermaids' and 'Moonstruck'. i think it's fantastic and i don't care how many times in that 5-6 year period of movies that she played the same charachter. it makes me happy in my heart. it's ridiculous. :)